dust covered eyes
I am coming to the conclusion that depression is not something that happens overnight. It happens slowly, dresses itself as something else and if you don't recognise it for what it really is - you wake up one day and it's all a bit too much for you to manage if you are not careful. This is my experience anyway.
The best way I can describe it would be like putting on weight... something happens, you start to give into little things like diet, exercise and sleep and before you know it, you have put on all this weight. The other thing I find funny (not funny haha) is that whatever stage I am at, I am not quite happy with my body shape and weight. Due to my underactive thyroid, I am now struggling to lose weight - in fact I the only thing I have been consistent in lately is putting on the kgs. Anyway, when I look back at my photos for the last 10 years, I think to myself - I was still unhappy about my weight then? I would love to be that again! What was I thinking but I guess that is human nature (or my nature at least).
Anyway - back to my main reason for this post. Looking back at this last year, I think I have been suffering from depression even though I am incredibly blessed with family, friends, work and home. I have so much to be thankful for but it feels like I've been just going through the motions with a screen over what's really going on inside. I'm quite disgusted with myself actually that I've let it creep up on me and have become so self oriented.
I have let the things that have been thrown my way get to me - grieving the loss of Ely (that is something I have to constantly have to manage and will never go away for as long as I have breath in me), being diagnosed with underactive thyroid and stress around work environment.
Maybe depression like fat. It is always there and something I need to be mindful of and manage especially as I get older. I have my coping mechanism which I have been ignoring which is prayer/worship and workout. Instead of waking up and starting my day with quiet time, I go straight to a book I am reading or check out what's been happening in the world of Instagram and Facebook. I kiddingly tell myself, in 5 minutes time, I am going to put my phone down and I will say my prayers, commit my day to Jesus. Instead, 5:00am comes too quick and I am jumping out of the bed to get Reese to swimming by 5:30 and my day is full on the go till 8:30 when I get to bed and straight into my book before I fall off to sleep.
I dislike confrontation and instead of meeting my issues head-on I procrastinate? not sure if thats correct too - would be more like deviate. I also like to think I am supposed to be supermum and superwife all the time - that's a huge load to take on ontop of everything else going on in my life. To make it worse, sometimes I think and talk myself into thinking that I can do it all on my own. Eeeerrrrrr! WRONG! It gets to a point (after hiding from the issues), I finally stop, give in and do what I should have done in the first place and do and practice every morning - Pray. Give it all to Jesus. It's an amazing phenomenon, in my prayer, I ask Jesus to take everything off me - my day, my family, my worries, my joy -everything and let His will be done in my life. It's almost like instantly, the load just comes right off and everything just seems so clear and light. I can see what i should be doing and because the pressure, load and expectations especially from myself has been handed over to My Father, I can hear His voice guiding me and speaking to me and be free to worship Him. And worshiping Him makes me happy.
This week I had that wakeup call. Nothing drastic happened, I just woke up with the realisation that I am not truly happy and excited about life and I shouldn't be living like this. This is not the life Jesus intended for me to live. Jesus died on the cross so that I may live - truly live - not just go through the motions of life. That is why He died on the cross - so that we may live. We let life and all it's tiny "dust" build up and cover and dull everything around us. We let it cover our eyes that we don't clearly see His Love, His Creation, His Gift, His Blessing.
What really cemented this for me was coming across this song "Victory Belongs to Jesus" by Todd Dulaney. The song spoke to me in such a powerful way - took the focus off all the things around me and took it to where it should always be - Jesus. Thank you Jesus for Todd Dulaney's and everybody involved in the making of the album's life. It is my prayer today that You bless each and everyone of them.
Today's bible verse that also convinced me to carry on and post my thoughts and experience even though I don't think anybody will read it is this:
The best way I can describe it would be like putting on weight... something happens, you start to give into little things like diet, exercise and sleep and before you know it, you have put on all this weight. The other thing I find funny (not funny haha) is that whatever stage I am at, I am not quite happy with my body shape and weight. Due to my underactive thyroid, I am now struggling to lose weight - in fact I the only thing I have been consistent in lately is putting on the kgs. Anyway, when I look back at my photos for the last 10 years, I think to myself - I was still unhappy about my weight then? I would love to be that again! What was I thinking but I guess that is human nature (or my nature at least).
Anyway - back to my main reason for this post. Looking back at this last year, I think I have been suffering from depression even though I am incredibly blessed with family, friends, work and home. I have so much to be thankful for but it feels like I've been just going through the motions with a screen over what's really going on inside. I'm quite disgusted with myself actually that I've let it creep up on me and have become so self oriented.
I have let the things that have been thrown my way get to me - grieving the loss of Ely (that is something I have to constantly have to manage and will never go away for as long as I have breath in me), being diagnosed with underactive thyroid and stress around work environment.
Maybe depression like fat. It is always there and something I need to be mindful of and manage especially as I get older. I have my coping mechanism which I have been ignoring which is prayer/worship and workout. Instead of waking up and starting my day with quiet time, I go straight to a book I am reading or check out what's been happening in the world of Instagram and Facebook. I kiddingly tell myself, in 5 minutes time, I am going to put my phone down and I will say my prayers, commit my day to Jesus. Instead, 5:00am comes too quick and I am jumping out of the bed to get Reese to swimming by 5:30 and my day is full on the go till 8:30 when I get to bed and straight into my book before I fall off to sleep.
I dislike confrontation and instead of meeting my issues head-on I procrastinate? not sure if thats correct too - would be more like deviate. I also like to think I am supposed to be supermum and superwife all the time - that's a huge load to take on ontop of everything else going on in my life. To make it worse, sometimes I think and talk myself into thinking that I can do it all on my own. Eeeerrrrrr! WRONG! It gets to a point (after hiding from the issues), I finally stop, give in and do what I should have done in the first place and do and practice every morning - Pray. Give it all to Jesus. It's an amazing phenomenon, in my prayer, I ask Jesus to take everything off me - my day, my family, my worries, my joy -everything and let His will be done in my life. It's almost like instantly, the load just comes right off and everything just seems so clear and light. I can see what i should be doing and because the pressure, load and expectations especially from myself has been handed over to My Father, I can hear His voice guiding me and speaking to me and be free to worship Him. And worshiping Him makes me happy.
This week I had that wakeup call. Nothing drastic happened, I just woke up with the realisation that I am not truly happy and excited about life and I shouldn't be living like this. This is not the life Jesus intended for me to live. Jesus died on the cross so that I may live - truly live - not just go through the motions of life. That is why He died on the cross - so that we may live. We let life and all it's tiny "dust" build up and cover and dull everything around us. We let it cover our eyes that we don't clearly see His Love, His Creation, His Gift, His Blessing.
What really cemented this for me was coming across this song "Victory Belongs to Jesus" by Todd Dulaney. The song spoke to me in such a powerful way - took the focus off all the things around me and took it to where it should always be - Jesus. Thank you Jesus for Todd Dulaney's and everybody involved in the making of the album's life. It is my prayer today that You bless each and everyone of them.
Today's bible verse that also convinced me to carry on and post my thoughts and experience even though I don't think anybody will read it is this:
"Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity."
1 Timothy 4:12
I am far from perfect and deserving of His Love, but it is given to me anyway. I am blessed beyond measure and am extremely thankful. Below are some photos from last weekend when we took the girls and some friends on a camping trip to Kadavu. How can you not be in awe of God and His blessings?
Loloma and Blessings
Tor
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